Beauty Review: April

By: Tony Unger

Hi you guys!!! It’s Tony back again with some FANTASTIC beauty reviews. As many of you know I’m an absolute MAKEUP ADDICT. Every cent I earn goes to my crippling dependence on beauty products. With that being said, here are my TOP FIVE most ESSENTIAL beauty LIFEHACK PRODUCTS.

TONYMOLY I’M REAL RICE MASK SHEET

Not many people know this about me, but I am a celebrity in Korea. As such, Tonymoly offered me a lucrative endorsement deal. That has nothing to do with my support of this product, obviously. I would love the pore and blemish-erasing qualities of this mask even if they weren’t paying me 12,000,000 Won a month to promote it.

GREEN BEAVER WILD ROSE DEODORANT STICK

Let me tell you, before I got my Green Beaver on, I was a sweaty, smelly mess. I still am, but this Green Beaver Wild Rose Deodorant Stick at least adds the scent of a rose. If I had one complaint about this product, it would be that it made me write the phrase “got my Green Beaver on”. Not to tell the good people at Green Beaver how to do their job, but I would seriously consider a name change, or a pivot towards renewable beaver habitats.

SALLY HANSEN LIP INFLATION PLUMPING TREATMENT

The reviews will tell you that this product is sticky, like microwaved gummy bears. The reviews will tell you that it can cause painful cysts. The reviews will tell you that this plumping treatment will not actually plump anything except for your self-doubt. I would like to disagree, but all of these accusations are true. Actually, the reason I like this product is that it reminds me of Schopenhauer, and the total meaninglessness of the human will in an apathetic world. #summerlook!!!!!!

ELMER’S NON-TOXIC GLUE

Did you ever get really bored in elementary school and slather your hand in glue, wait for it to dry, and slowly peel it off? If you didn’t then you’re either a liar or missing out. Elmer’s first foray into the face and body mask business is a massive success. It might be expensive, but filling your bathtub up with glue and cannonballing in is a beauty experience WORTH HAVING! Plus it’s not toxic, so it functions as a tasty treat.

REVLON SUGAR SUGAR LIP TOPPING

The fact that this product’s name sounds like Dadaist poetry, it is actually a very solid product. It does not taste like sugar at all, and looks terrible on anyone who wears it. There is a catch however: it disappears very quickly off your lips, and so there is nothing left to hate! If I did branding for Revlon, I would make this product’s slogan: “Revlon Sugar Sugar Lip Topping, a name almost as meaningless and fleeting as the consumerist cycle it contributes to.” A total must have!

I hope you guys liked my review! For more information follow me on tumblr or my vlog channel. I also do beauty consulting on the side. Send me a carrier pigeon for more info!!!!

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