Alternative Facts

By: Jake Sabitt

It came to our attention, while we were playing with our Hot Wheels and giving each other cootie shots, that some guy named Ronald Crump got elected prime minister. We normally wouldn’t care, but we’ve since been informed that Mr. Trimp has been credited with the ideas of “Fake News” and “Alternative Facts.” This is a piece of gross misinformation (and believe us, we know misinformation). For years, we’ve had the fakest news, the most alternative facts, and the wrongest statements. Indeed, we Axeholes have prided ourselves on our lack of journalistic integrity, our willingness to make a sensationalist story at any cost, and most of all, our wholesale manufacturing of information. To show Mr. Drimp that he can’t run with the big dogs as far as lies are concerned, we’ve made a list of our all-time best, most alternative headlines:

Senor Davis’s Classroom a Storage Facility for the Cafeteria’s Meats

This makes sense when you think about it. How do you explain the near subzero temperatures in that room? How is it possible that oftentimes the room is a great deal colder than the outside temperature? Simple: It doubles as a storage fridge for our school’s meat.  Davis doesn’t mind because it was a nice change from the balmy Mississippian and Mexican heat he had lived in previously.

South Assembly Sees Record Turnout

Some people may say nobody goes to South assemblies and that students have no school spirit. These are blatant lies. We have the best assemblies and the best school spirit. Everybody loves our school; it is the best school, and these rumors are just liberal slander. As a matter of fact, our assemblies are 250 percent biglier than Sheldon’s, and everybody loves them. It only seems like they are small because of how terrifically yuge our gym is, but trust us, they are yuuuuuge. Ok, listen folks: we got 100,000 people to come to our assembly. It was phenomenal. When Sheldon sends people to assemblies, they’re not sending their best. We send our best people to assemblies. Believe me.

South Yearbooks to Arrive on Time

For years, students have yearned to be able to write “HAGS,” “Never Change,” or “You’re my BFF,” in others’ yearbooks at the school year’s end. Finally, after centuries of late yearbooks, this year’s Eugenean is set to arrive on time — if not even a bit early. When asked about this change, the distribution manager responded, “Well, hell’s frozen over, and I’m 99 percent sure I saw a pig flying the other day, so it seemed like time.”

Ms. Babbs Becomes Men’s Rights Activist

Last week in the middle of her AP Literature class, Ms. Babbs threw a copy of Their Eyes Were Watching God to the ground in a fit of pique, exclaiming that it was simply “feminist propaganda” meant to keep down good, hard working men. She then directed students to her newly created Reddit account for more information.

South Schedule Changes

After a full four years of the 3×5 schedule, 4J has decided to make a change. No, not to the 4×4 as some have suggested, but to the 60×1. In this new system, students will take one class at a time over the course of 60 sexagesters. Each sexamester will be around three days long, a time period science has shown to be optimal for learning. However, some are not so happy about this schedule. Reports have shown that a mob of teachers carrying pitchforks and torches were seen marching towards the district office, headed by Mr. Stewart on the back of a blindingly white horse. The Counseling Department was not available for comment, as, in light of these developments, they were too busy crying uncontrollably.


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