Senioritis Struggles

By: Tony Unger

Fatigue. Loss of motivation. A general sense of malaise. WebMD would probably diagnose this as Walking Corpse Syndrome (look it up), but unfortunately, it is a much more insidious illness: Senioritis. 90% of teens will contract this condition, some as early as Freshman year, and the epidemic shows no signs of waning.

The first confirmed case of Senioritis was recorded in ancient Akkad, where a youth named Ultultar was put on trial for procrastinating taking his father’s water buffalo to drink at a stream. His punishment is recorded as a fine of fifty golden minah and having both of his hands cut off. After this, historical references abound. A young Alexander the Great famously delayed the invasion of Persia because he “just didn’t feel up to it that day.” Practically every major figure in history has had senioritis at some point. Socrates, Julius Caesar, and Abraham Lincoln all suffered from this terrible ailment.

It is important to understand the nature of this malady. First of all, there are two varieties of Senioritis, both of which manifest in the same way: Burnoutitis and regular-variety senioritis. Burnoutitis can affect anyone, provided that they feel like they have worked too hard lately, regardless of their actual work habits. Regular Senioritis is a much more elusive beast. It can strike anybody at any time, although it mostly affects fourth and, god forbid, fifth year high school students. The most terrifying part is that there is no way to predict your susceptibility to late-highschool onset Senioritis, and there is no treatment.

Diagnosis, however, is a little more straightforward. Does your alarm fight a Sisyphean struggle each morning to raise you from your slumber? Have you procrastinated an assignment for weeks or even months? Have you ever done your required reading in a single weekend? Have you skipped a rehearsal or practice because you figured, you know what, you had already worked hard enough that day? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you have Senioritis.

The condition starts as a missed assignment here or there. Maybe you “forget” to study for a Chemistry test and you get a D. “No big deal,” you say to yourself, “I’ll just study harder for the next one.” In the words of our president-elect: WRONG. Senioritis progresses quickly; a failed test here, or a missed assignment there rapidly turns into skipped classes or god help you, an unexcused absence, the worst possible punishment a student can receive.

There is no cure for Senioritis. You can only learn to live with it until you leave South. Or die. Whichever comes first. But I digress. You can take measures to help you cope. Maybe you ask for all of your homework in advance, so you have extra time to put it off. Or maybe, like most South kids, you go in like a haggler at an Addis Ababa marketplace and plead with your teachers to give you an A because even though you were on your phone every day, you really liked the class and are passionate about the topic.

In the end, like pushy Soundcloud rappers, zero period classes, and mandatory assemblies, Senioritis is unfortunately here to stay. I hope this article has helped Seniors diagnose their condition and informed underclassmen about the grave fate that awaits them. If, after reading this article, you still have questions, you can stop by my office in the Journalism room. I am a highly educated professional, so my going rate is $100 per hour, one hour minimum.

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